Inner Smart Ass
Where being an ass is smart?
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About the Inner Smart Ass - You too have an inner smart
ass, but perhaps you've lost touch with that deeper part of yourself.
We are here to help. Just read the posts and let yourself be
happily infected by our irreverent perspective. And, of course,
you can add your own smart ass comments. As for those of you
who have completely lost touch with your inner smart ass, what
are you doing here? |
Failing at Suicide
48 days
by Inner Smart Ass
in Society
It seems that most who attempt to kill themselves fail, according to the most recent research on the subject. In fact, the statistics show that 92% of suicide attempts result in failure. In attempting to discover why this is so, scientists at the University of Illinois reviewed over 200 cases from the last ten years. After a careful analysis of the data, as well as a study of those who made tried to kill themselves, it was determined that most suicide attempts fail because they are made by losers.
“When successful people attempt suicide, they generally succeed,” says Dr. I.M. Callus, the lead researcher. “We saw this immediately in (more…)
Decitizenization
165 days
by Inner Smart Ass
in Politics
Washington – December 7, 2011: John McCain (R) and Carl Levin (D) are pushing for a law which allows indefinite detention of anyone suspected of aiding or abetting or participating in terrorist activity. Essentially it will give the government the ability to lock up anyone they suspect of anything, without providing a trial. “Trials are so inconvenient,” Levin said, when asked about this, and McCain added, “Rights have to be sacrificed in the name of freedom.”
There has been opposition to their plan, from ay least fourteen people who find it inconsistent with both the Constitution, which says that all who are accused of a crime have a right to a trial by jury and a right to confront their accusers. Sixteen others in the country just find it unfair regardless of whether it is outlawed or not by the Constitution.
In response to this criticism, the latest version of the legislation is slightly different. The way the new law is worded now, when the president or other high official wants to lock away a person without charge or a trial, they must first state that they suspect the person of being “involved” in or “supporting” terror activities, and then must take away the suspects citizenship in a new process called “decitizenization.” This resolves most of the criticism according to (more…)
Couple Killed in Accident Apparently Perfect
167 days
by Inner Smart Ass
in Society
In a tragic accident late Thursday night, a driver of a semi-truck drifted into oncoming traffic and hit a mini-van head-on. The couple inside, nineteen-year-old Tim and Sherry Roberts, were killed instantly. They were en route to their volunteer jobs at an orphanage.
Friends and family say that Tim, who was voted the most handsome and likeable senior in high school, was also the smartest in his class, was always helping everyone around him, and was loved by more people than anyone within three hundred miles. Sherry, who had been homecoming queen in school and spent much of her time working with rescued animals, also volunteered at a nursing home and sang in her church choir. The year before she said no to an offer to be a super model for a makeup company, in order to help (more…)
Baby Bombs
181 days
by Inner Smart Ass
in Politics
Though critics point out that it seems barbaric and may even be illegal, the United States Army has initiated a plan to use babies as weapons. The process leading to the new plan started several years ago with surveys that documented cultural sentiments in potential enemies. The idea was to determine what was most likely to influence behavior on the battlefield. Knowing what might cause the most fear, for example, could be useful in designing new weapons or tactics.
But beyond looking for effective ways to fight the enemy, the goal was also to discover new ways to get them to surrender. “There will be less death and destruction if we can get an early surrender,” explained General F.O. Andie.
The research eventually led to ideas for many possible tactics and weapons, but the one that garnered the most support from military psychologists is (more…)
Crappy Television?
193 days
by Inner Smart Ass
in Society
Ted V Mirador
October 14, 2011
In the ever-expanding world of reality television, one new program has captured the attention of millions, and leads the pack. It is the latest and highly controversial “Toilet TV,” from the producers of “Jersey Shore.” Viewers are entertained by hidden cameras that have been placed in toilets in public restrooms around the world. I asked one of the producers if he didn’t think this marks a new low for television.
“This is just the beginning,” he told me. “There is an insatiable demand for crap on TV.”
The cameras are placed in the toilets without the knowledge of bathroom users, which has some privacy advocates saying it should be illegal. But according to the legal counsel for MTV, which produces the program, as long as the people are not recognizable there is no legal need to inform them or get a signed release to use the video. Earlier plans to run the show live had to be cancelled because of the occasional person who peeks in the toilet to see what is there, thus exposing their face to the cameras. These shots are taken out before the program is run, but otherwise there is little editing.
I asked some viewers why they found the show entertaining. One told me that it was like a “window onto the world,” because the toilets featured are in many different countries.
“You learn about the habits of people,” he continued, “and, you know (more…)
Protest Against Protesters
0207 days
by Inner Smart Ass
in Politics
By S. A. Reporter
A group of Republicans calling itself “People Against Protests,” has been organizing counter-demonstrations in key cites where protests are occurring. Claiming that it is unpatriotic to protest, they are denouncing participants in the “Occupy Wall Street” movement and related demonstrations. Waving signs that read “Down With Protestors,” and “Corporations are the True Patriots,” and “Protesters Should Leave the Country,” members of the group mixed in with the crowds in New York City and elsewhere.
I asked organizer Jack Aster if he didn’t think it was a bit ironic to protest other people protesting. “Ironic?” he asked, “What’s that mean? I just think people should (more…)
Twins Run for President
0219 days
by Inner Smart Ass
in Politics
Ledee Tweed and his brother Ledum were born within minutes of each other, and spent most of their lives sharing the things they had and did. Yesterday the identical twins filed to run for president within minutes of each other, but the presidency is not an office they can share. In fact, Ledee is expected to be the Republican nominee, and Ledum hopes to be chosen by the Democrats.
If nominated they will be the first brothers to run against each other for president. In simultaneous press conferences yesterday, each Tweed laid out his positions. It seems that neither one wants to cut the military budget, both plan to preserve Social Security and Medicare in their current form, and (more…)
Is She Worth Two Years?
0228 days
by Inner Smart Ass
in Society
The De Beers diamond marketing firm has been implementing a new educational campaign to make it more widely known that an engagement ring should cost the equivalent of two years’ of the groom’s current salary.
Flickr photo by Claire Schmitt
This replaces the old standard of two months salary, which replaced the one-month standard promoted in the 1930s, which replaced the “I’ll give your family a cow and two goats if you marry me” standard of earlier times.
Educational videos, which De Beers insists are not “commercials” are being prepared. The first to be released will have the more innocuous slogan, “Two years salary–isn’t she worth it?” Others, which have been criticized by some, end with, “She’ll never forgive you if it isn’t a two-year-salary ring.”
When asked if the new rule is a bit burdensome for young couples, a De Beers spokesman answered, “Only if she’s not worth it.” Meanwhile, in conjunction with several national banks (more…)
Windows 13 Runs for President!
0237 days
by Inner Smart Ass
in Politics
In a move long-anticipated in political circles, Microsoft Corporation held a press conference yesterday to announce that its new Windows 13 operating system will soon file the necessary paperwork to enter the 2012 presidential race.
Flickr photo by Ben Lakey
Both Republican and Democratic party leaders were consulted with prior to the announcement, but both political parties rejected the idea of having the software represent them, so Windows 13 will declare its candidacy as an independent. Polling following the press conference showed strong support among many younger voters, with the exception of owners of Macintosh computers, who are hoping that an Apple program will decide to enter the race.
The filing will actually be made in the name of Microsoft, although they make it clear that the presidential duties themselves will be carried out by Windows 13. The software does not technically meet the requirements to be president. The corporation, on the other hand, can run for office because of recent court rulings that have made it clear they are to be considered human, with full rights as individuals. Although the rulings were made in relation to free speech issues, some observers noted that (more…)
Congress Debates “Buy Your Rights” Bill
0240 days
by Inner Smart Ass
in Politics
Republicans and Democrats are close to a deal on the new “Buy Your Rights” bill, which would require residents and citizens alike to meet certain criteria before their rights are protected or respected. The main sticking points have been in regards to how we should pay for our rights, with the Republicans opting for military service and religious requirements while the Democrats suggest that community service work and enrollment in “sensitivity training camps” would be better.
Opponents–when they can be found–say that we should not have to buy our rights. They point out that the U.S. Declaration of Independence declares rights to be inherent in each individual and not a matter of negotiation or voting. It starts with the line “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”
According to the polls though, most people believe the proposition that “rights come with responsibilities,” which clearly suggests that (more…)
