Smartass Quotes

The time came for a page of smartass quotes–but where to find them? My wife suggested that I just leave a tape recorder going. Hmm… Then I discovered that one of the primary functions of this thing called the internet was a repository for all the smartass wisdom of the world. Some of what I found is below…

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.? – Groucho Marx

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. – Steven Wright

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. – Ashleigh Brilliant

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps. – Emo Phillips

Borrow money from pessimists–They don’t expect it back. – Steven Wright

It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black. – Paul Newman

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. – Frank Hubbard

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Dave Edison

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – George Burns

Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf. – Will Rogers

It’s hard to argue against cynics–they always sound smarter than optimists because they have so much evidence on their side. – Molly Ivins

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. – Steven Wright

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. – Peter Tosh

There is a certain Buddhistic calm that comes from having… money in the bank. – Tom Robbins

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. – Steven Wright

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. – Errol Flynn

Please feel free to add your own smartass quotes below. Help keep this list growing.